The Beast made Beauty a romantic dinner for two. 

“I feel so lucky to know you,” he said. “You’re the thing that makes me happy to be alive.”

Beauty’s heart swelled. “That’s exactly how I feel about you.”

Then that candlestick guy raised the volume on his episode of Downton Abbey.

Robin Hood was sitting on a stump overthinking life as usual. Was humanity, at its core, good? Did his existence matter to anyone? Then Little John passed by with a gift for him, just because; it was a gray scarf he’d knitted for Robin himself.

It was like being given physical proof that you are loved and that people are kind. Robin Hood placed it around his neck, his thoughts disappeared, and he just felt so good.

Cinderella was up late at her desk putting together an application for a photography grant, but in her head she kept hearing the voice of her stepmother telling her she would amount to nothing. It felt like the Truth, even though a different voice inside her pleaded that it wasn’t. Finally, she pulled out a Post-It and wrote a message to herself that she stuck on the wall in front of her: You are in control of your own future, you are capable of amazing things.

Then she added another one below that: And fuck anyone who says otherwise.

Snow White didn’t like Mondays, so she sang a song to get her through: “Whistle while you work, and cheerfully together we can—oh my God how have only two minutes gone by somebody kill me now I want to die.”

Rumpelstiltskin tried his best to secure his identity, but every princess he stole a baby from guessed his name after a quick Google search. They also knew his date of birth, favorite movies, and the last ten restaurants he’d “checked in” at.

Robin Hood was questioning his decision to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Sure, it helped on the local level, but what was he really doing to promote equality on a national level. Or on a global level?

After thinking for a while, he determined that even though the work he did was very small, there was a ripple effect, so it was still a valuable endeavor. Plus the ladies loved it.

The Frog Prince knew all he needed to do was kiss a girl and he’d be turned back into a human, so he went to the bar and pulled off his signature move: Standing in the corner praying that someone would approach him.

The Little Mermaid was a human now, which was great, but it was always a little uncomfortable when she went home to the ocean to visit her father.

“What,” he said, “you think you’re better than us because you have legs now?”

The Ugly Duckling was at the bar, reading at a table in the corner. She didn’t come to bars to meet men, she didn’t concern herself with her love life. She was interested in more important things: Art, the human condition, the fight to end poverty.

Then the guy she’d been eyeing all night left with this girl who was wearing some weird floral jeans or something. It’s always the manic pixie girl that gets the guy, she thought, Fuck you, manic pixie girl! 

Chicken Little feared the sky was falling. She also feared that when people “liked” a photo she posted, they didn’t really like it. 

Hansel and Gretel’s parents abandoned them when they were young, but after all this time they’d accepted it. Sometimes, they’d concluded with a wisdom brought on only by age and an open heart, people are just fuckin’ assholes.

Sleeping Beauty kept turning off her alarm and falling back to sleep without even noticing it, so she put her phone on the other side of the room so she’d be forced to stand up to turn it off. But then she just woke up lying on the floor across the room.

Puss In Boots’ boss friended him so he figured it was time to do some profile grooming. Take out any photos in which he was half-clothed or obviously inebriated. Delete the ones from those months when he tried to grow his hair long. Make himself look respectable, or at least not so feral. But then he was like, If she doesn’t like me for who I am, then I don’t want to work there! 

Two weeks later he was fired.

Peter Pan was determined to grow up and become a man. His first step: Stop hashtagging words aloud in conversation.

I’m going on tour! If any Fairy Tales readers are in Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, or Georgia, come out to see Unchained. I’ll be telling stories about being lost and getting found, God and the human condition, brief incendiary love, and my mom.

And if you come to a show, say hi!

—Tim