The tortoise and the hare met for coffee. They each casually mentioned their recent successes, secretly hoping to appear better than the other. As they walked their separate ways home it hit them at the same time: There never was a race. There is no destination. There is no winner.
The tortoise and the hare Facebook stalked each other. He might have a lot of money but I bet he doesn’t feel alive when he goes to work, thought the tortoise. The hare looked through the tortoise’s photos and thought, Being a writer in Brooklyn is so pretentious. The truth was that a part of each of them longed for the other’s life. How are you supposed to know you’ve chosen the right path?
The hare got a high-powered job in the tech industry straight out of college, whlie the tortoise traveled the country by train just writing in his journal and thinking. Finally the tortoise got a big book deal for a memoir he wrote and when he posted about it on Facebook he thought, I knew I’d outshine that fucker in the end.
Sleeping Beauty was inexplicably depressed and spent the entire day checking her email. But then she somehow ended up watching YouTube videos of regular people covering Mumford & Sons songs, and, okay, that Taylor Swift song “Begin Again,” and something about it was really beautiful and made her feel like she’d connected with someone and someone understood how she felt and she wasn’t alone.
the three little pigs only saw each other for holidays now and conversation was always a little awkward. then, usually after a few drinks, one would say, “remember that time with the wolf?” and they’d spend hours telling all the details of the story and laughing and feeling young again.
snow white had lost her infatuation with the prince. they only had sex maybe once a week now, and even when they did it was eh. she found herself looking at photos of ryan gosling online, remembering when she felt about the prince how she felt looking at him.
but the prince loves me, she thought. and if i were with ryan gosling he’d be prettier than me and that wouldn’t be cool at all.
hansel and gretel dumpster-dived and got hepatitis.
peter pan decided it was time to grow up, get serious, and work towards something substantial. so he started a blog of funny anecdotes from his life. the lost boys thought that shit was hilarious.
prince charming decided he’d go door-to-door with cinderella’s missing slipper until he found the foot that fit it, and it would be so romantic. then a friend told him to just put something on craigslist’s missed connections, so he did that instead and then read some of the other ones to see if any were about him.
this one could be me, he thought. was i wearing a red shirt yesterday?
sleeping beauty fell back into a funk and shut herself away in her room for days listening only to adele. maybe i’m supposed to be too old to indulge in my depression like this, she thought, but it just feels so good.
never mind, i’ll find someone like yooouuuu…
the ugly duckling read obscure works of literature in other languages and listened to indie music even the guys in the record store had never heard of. if i’m not going to be prettier than anyone, she thought, i’m at least going to be better than them.
snow white and grumpy got a drink when he was done at the mine. they were having a great time chatting about the old days but then he casually left his hand resting on her knee and tried to hold her gaze. uh oh, she thought, awkward!
it was time to go to bed but cinderella kept reloading her facebook page, hoping one more person would like the link she’d posted to her photography. then another person did, her heart jumped, and she hit reload again. just one more, she thought.
rumpelstiltskin was ready for love, so he signed up for OkCupid and struck the perfect balance of coming across as emotionally available but not too desperate.
do i put in my real height or should i lie? he thought. i’ll just leave it blank.
aladdin messed it up with jasmine and she kicked him back onto the street.
after a few months he decided to win her back, show her he’d grown up, he was the man she always wanted him to be now. he wanted to show her how brave he was, how he wasn’t scared of emotions anymore, he could even, one day, be a father to their children.
so he texted her: “hey, what’s up?”