Rumpelstiltskin tried his best to secure his identity, but every princess he stole a baby from guessed his name after a quick Google search. They also knew his date of birth, favorite movies, and the last ten restaurants he’d “checked in” at.
Robin Hood was questioning his decision to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Sure, it helped on the local level, but what was he really doing to promote equality on a national level. Or on a global level?
After thinking for a while, he determined that even though the work he did was very small, there was a ripple effect, so it was still a valuable endeavor. Plus the ladies loved it.
The Frog Prince knew all he needed to do was kiss a girl and he’d be turned back into a human, so he went to the bar and pulled off his signature move: Standing in the corner praying that someone would approach him.
The Ugly Duckling was at the bar, reading at a table in the corner. She didn’t come to bars to meet men, she didn’t concern herself with her love life. She was interested in more important things: Art, the human condition, the fight to end poverty.
Then the guy she’d been eyeing all night left with this girl who was wearing some weird floral jeans or something. It’s always the manic pixie girl that gets the guy, she thought, Fuck you, manic pixie girl!
Hansel and Gretel’s parents abandoned them when they were young, but after all this time they’d accepted it. Sometimes, they’d concluded with a wisdom brought on only by age and an open heart, people are just fuckin’ assholes.
Sleeping Beauty kept turning off her alarm and falling back to sleep without even noticing it, so she put her phone on the other side of the room so she’d be forced to stand up to turn it off. But then she just woke up lying on the floor across the room.
Puss In Boots’ boss friended him so he figured it was time to do some profile grooming. Take out any photos in which he was half-clothed or obviously inebriated. Delete the ones from those months when he tried to grow his hair long. Make himself look respectable, or at least not so feral. But then he was like, If she doesn’t like me for who I am, then I don’t want to work there!
I’m going on tour! If any Fairy Tales readers are in Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, or Georgia, come out to see Unchained. I’ll be telling stories about being lost and getting found, God and the human condition, brief incendiary love, and my mom.
Rapunzel was walking through the park one afternoon, feeling like a new woman with her hair cut short. The past is only as meaningful as you decide it is, she thought. We can become someone new, let ourselves be whoever we dream, and no one can tie us to who we used to be.
Then she ran into that douche she used to let climb up her hair at night.
For some reason the Beast started flipping through every photo of himself on Facebook, and here’s the thing: For a long time when he saw old photos of himself it only reminded him of how much he’d changed and grown, but now he could see a photo that was six years old and think he’s the same person he was then. Was that a good thing, like he’d finally become himself, or did it mean he’d hit some kind of plateau?
Alice had tea with the Mad Hatter and she knew they weren’t just gonna be cheery and make small talk. Instead they spoke for hours about how their friends had changed in the ten years since Wonderland, and what it is that’s holding them back from being 100% happy. It was an amazing conversation that ended with this poignant silence that only old friends could have. It was beautiful, really.
Then Alice thought, Is this silence getting so long it’s awkward? Well now that I’ve thought about it it’s definitely awkward. Crap. What movies are out that I can ask if he’s seen?