Throughout the month of December, I’ll be sprinkling some more festive tales of twenty-somethings alongside our regular collection of fairy tales. Because I kinda wanna know what Frosty had in that corncob pipe.
The Gingerbread Man had gotten out of shape and everything hurt. I’m officially getting old, he thought.
So he decided to start going on nightly jogs. Halfway through the first one he was feeling young and spry again, like he was back in his old high school track days, and he shouted proudly, “Run run run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me I’m the—AGH MY KNEE! OH GOD I TORE SOMETHING! THE PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING!”
The Three Little Pigs had all grown up. It was strange to think they’d once spent all day every day together; their lives were so separate now. They barely saw each other. But then the First Little Pig conference called the other two to give them the news that his wife was having a baby girl.
And they were in it together again, cheering and saying “wow, wow.” This was their life. They were brothers.
Little Red Riding Hood finally found a guy who wasn’t some asshole wolf or douchebag huntsman. He was sweet, and she thought he was pretty funny. Plus she hadn’t been with anyone in a hell of a long time so after their first drink she asked if he wanted to come back to her place, and they made out the whole cab ride there.
But once in bed he was too nervous to, um, perform.
Well, that was a bummer, she thought, and lit a cigarette.
Beauty wanted to bring the Beast to meet her family for Thanksgiving but she was nervous it wouldn’t go well. The Beast would probably get drunk and loud, and her father was definitely going to bring up politics at some point. It was sure to be a disaster.
"Take them to the movies," Siri advised. "Then no one will have to talk."
Sleeping Beauty was lying in bed checking Facebook from her phone, just feeling so completely alone in her depression. Then she came across a post from an acquaintance about how sad he was, it was a darkness that made him feel like nobody could ever understand how he felt. “Is there anyone else who feels this way?” he asked.
She felt a sense of relief wash over her, a little bit of joy, and thought, At least I’m not so sad I wrote about it on Facebook.
After Arthur pulled the sword from the stone but before he became King, he got a job as a waiter at Applebee’s. The work was grueling, and as he got in his car at the end of his shift he told himself: “I can’t keep living like this. Tonight is the night I clean my apartment and make a to-do list. I’m gonna get my life organized, starting tonight.”
But then when he got home Lancelot showed him the part of Reddit where people post photos of themselves naked. What?! How did he never know about this?!
The Billy Goats Gruff were headed to a concert but the bridge was guarded by a troll who threatened to eat them if they crossed. Then one of them checked their phones and, yep, there was another bridge a couple miles down the road.
Aladdin had the day off from work, and he was trying to decide what exciting way to spend it. So many possibilities! Then he saw how beautiful it was outside, and he thought, “Yes, I know what I’ll do.”
He put his laptop right up to the window, and that’s where he spent the day having so many adventures on the Internet.
I was on a Huffington Post Live segment called “Fairy Tale Darwinism,” discussing the evolution of fairy tales and why fairy tales stick with us. The other panelists are actual scholars and have fascinating things to say, so check out the video. Thanks, Huffington Post!