The Three Little Pigs each tried different methods for finding a job after college. The First Little Pig perfected his résumé, the Second Little Pig applied to every place he could find, and the Third Little Pig opened another pint of Ben & Jerry’s and cried watching old Nicktoons.
Robin Hood was sitting on a stump overthinking life as usual. Was humanity, at its core, good? Did his existence matter to anyone? Then Little John passed by with a gift for him, just because; it was a gray scarf he’d knitted for Robin himself.
It was like being given physical proof that you are loved and that people are kind. Robin Hood placed it around his neck, his thoughts disappeared, and he just felt so good.
Cinderella was up late at her desk putting together an application for a photography grant, but in her head she kept hearing the voice of her stepmother telling her she would amount to nothing. It felt like the Truth, even though a different voice inside her pleaded that it wasn’t. Finally, she pulled out a Post-It and wrote a message to herself that she stuck on the wall in front of her: You are in control of your own future, you are capable of amazing things.
Then she added another one below that: And fuck anyone who says otherwise.
Snow White didn’t like Mondays, so she sang a song to get her through: “Whistle while you work, and cheerfully together we can—oh my God how have only two minutes gone by somebody kill me now I want to die.”
Rumpelstiltskin tried his best to secure his identity, but every princess he stole a baby from guessed his name after a quick Google search. They also knew his date of birth, favorite movies, and the last ten restaurants he’d “checked in” at.
Robin Hood was questioning his decision to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Sure, it helped on the local level, but what was he really doing to promote equality on a national level. Or on a global level?
After thinking for a while, he determined that even though the work he did was very small, there was a ripple effect, so it was still a valuable endeavor. Plus the ladies loved it.
The Frog Prince knew all he needed to do was kiss a girl and he’d be turned back into a human, so he went to the bar and pulled off his signature move: Standing in the corner praying that someone would approach him.
The Ugly Duckling was at the bar, reading at a table in the corner. She didn’t come to bars to meet men, she didn’t concern herself with her love life. She was interested in more important things: Art, the human condition, the fight to end poverty.
Then the guy she’d been eyeing all night left with this girl who was wearing some weird floral jeans or something. It’s always the manic pixie girl that gets the guy, she thought, Fuck you, manic pixie girl!
Hansel and Gretel’s parents abandoned them when they were young, but after all this time they’d accepted it. Sometimes, they’d concluded with a wisdom brought on only by age and an open heart, people are just fuckin’ assholes.
Sleeping Beauty kept turning off her alarm and falling back to sleep without even noticing it, so she put her phone on the other side of the room so she’d be forced to stand up to turn it off. But then she just woke up lying on the floor across the room.